Hearing Cam’s excuse last week for not showing up to the game vs Barton Hill (see Pikey’s match report) made me reminisce on the best excuses I received when 1st team captain. The two most memorable were on the same Saturday morning before a game.

First, I got a call from Kyle to say that he was stranded in London after a heavy night out and being sexually assaulted by a female bodybuilder. Thirty minutes later I get a call from Seb who was claiming his mates has spiked his drink with acid and he ‘couldn’t see his own hand.’ I’m glad Joe has to deal with the excuses now and not me.

Cam confirmed his selection publically this week on the 1s WhatsApp group with a screenshot from his phone showing his Pitchero notifications. This eagle-eyed author noticed Cam had also received a notification from ‘Lauren’ on the Hinge dating app complimenting him on his profile.

Cam refused to show the group his/Lauren’s profile despite repeated requests. He must be saving it for club dinner. Slammy asked whether Cam’s bio had the line, “Cameron is an anagram for romance” which if it doesn’t already, it certainly should do.

I feel like every good rugby club needs a character like Cam – previous pudding club champion, pub golf finalist and consumes more pints from his shoes than he does from the glass.

Matthew Douglas (1) took us for the warm-up. A few more commando rolls this week, and Matthew giving “thanks to Mother Earth” in one particular stretch. And a thanks to Mother Douglas for providing him with two sisters.

No-one had owned up to giving away the last penalty the week before, so the shirts remained muddy and unwashed, but the energy/enthusiasm that was missing a week ago was certainly more evident. Shane promised us that the game wouldn’t be a ‘picnic party’ – I’m not sure what that is but it sounds like Fison’s usual Saturday night.

The focus on training on Thursday night was offload touch rugby, with emphasis on the touch being below the waist in order to get us into the ‘chop’ tackle mind-set for their big ball carrying 12. This training session had 2 noticeable effects on the performance vs Cheltenham:

- We threw a horrendous amount of sh*t offloads

- Slammy tried to chop their 12 and dislocated his shoulder

You wouldn’t have known Slammy had dislocated his shoulder because he didn’t say a word and probably would have played on had physio Joe not spotted his arm dangling from its joint. It turns out Slammy was due to go skiing this week, which I assume will now be spent indoors updating the FRCC website (2).

The Cheltenham 12 bumped the majority of the OBs team at one point or another (3), but was generally handled pretty well and didn’t make a mockery of our defence as he had done in the reverse fixture.

Not much else to report on the game except Biggo’s vision to slide a grubber kick into the corner for Jamie to score. The easier option would have just been to catch the pass from Jack and score himself, but Biggo delighted the fans (Jim Berry - who was still fuming that Greener had been picked again (4)) by dropping the ball onto his boot for the assist to JD.

Dr Badcock had a typically strong performance for Cheltenham. It was questioned whether he enjoys the ‘banter’ at Cheltenham, or misses the high class OBs fun and games including naked 360 sky dives – I think Snollie may still have a picture if you wanted to see Badcockscock.

The game was close but Cheltenham scored a late pushover try to win it and help their chances of survival.

I was late into the showers so can’t comment on Merkin corner for most of the squad. There was a member of the 3rd team opposition in the showers in bright blue boxers, who was obviously clearly intimidated by the size of Jamie’s peen. I expect there will be a lot of personal grooming this week with Mike Barton confirming his attendance to club dinner (5).

Kyle finally got his hands on the 1st Player of the Season trophy he won last season after convincing himself that it had gone missing (it was in the OBs trophy cabinet all along). I expect it may be displayed in his house for the next 12 months, but all shall be revealed next week.

Stories from the post-game night out were hazy but the two best were:

- Cam pulled (unconfirmed reports that it was Lauren from Hinge) despite Robbo’s best attempts to c*ck block.

- JD pissed himself

Thoughts turn to next weekend – our final game of the season against Chew Valley followed by Club Dinner. As Chew’s promotion to South-West 1 has now been confirmed and OBs with nothing meaningful to play for, hopefully we can agree before the match on a 50-point draw and hit the bar early.

Club Dinner has given us some great stories over the years - most famously Genge in 2015 (the baby Rhino). Hopefully Marshy has a good punishment lined up for any pudding club miscreants. I’m hoping it’s as good as in 2016 when Kyle got molested by the phantom fingerer, and 2017 when Cam slid head first straight into Matt’s anal passage (think real-life Human Centipede).

(1) – For those interested in Matthew’s recent cultural antics, the artist formerly known as Pikey was going to the Old Vic after the game to watch Richard III.

(2) – Slammy has created a website for OBs Front Row Curry Club and its bloody brilliant. OBs Book Club are lagging behind somewhat, but it is noticeable how Shane is now exclusively picking Book Club members as BoG, presumably for our superior literature abilities.

(3) – One of the more memorable bumps was on Fison. After running over the top of him he had the audacity to complain to the referee (whilst still running with the ball) that Fison hadn’t used his arms in the tackle. To call Fison a small speed bump in this situation would probably be offensive to small speed bumps.

(4) – After last week’s disappointing loss, Jim Berry gave his match review to me and Pikey after the game. Using his 70+ years of rugby knowledge he informed us that “you need to sort out your 9 for next week.” Cheers Jim. I hope I made you somewhat happier this week.

(5) – I’m a bit concerned that Cussen won’t be present at club dinner this year to take care of ‘bush fire’ health and safety. Hopefully Barton has an able replacement lined up who has previous experience in using a wet tea towel on burning genitals.

Try Scorers: George Hazell, Jamie Duncan & Chris Galloway
Conversions: Jack Price x 3

Final Score - Old Bristolians 21 - 28 Cheltenham

BOP - Greener

2nd XV

In the penultimate match for the 2018/19 season, Old Bristolian's 2nd XV left the comforts of Bristol proper to take on Chipping Sodbury's 2nd XV. A team packed with power and pace took the field, but some uncharacteristic ill advised flair play and a few missed tackles lead to an early unconverted score by the home.

Following this low point, digits were collectively removed from their holes, and order was restored. OBs restarted and played with their solid pick and go game combined with more conventional back play alongside a hard hitting defence. The home side would not trouble the scoreboard for the rest of the game.

Impressive scrums combined with the first half heat lead the pack blowing like the winner at the 5.15 at Aintree. Like that stallion, they were dominant from start to end, even when down to 7. The scrums and solid lineouts gave the backs a great platform for 2 sniping scrum half tries for Morgan, and cutting back lines plays finished with a try each to Robbo and Barney.

A physical affair was punctuated by a 13 minute yellow card to Coughlan, who having physically ran through an attempted tackler was adjudged to a spot of trampling, much like a giraffe would to a brave, but ultimately doomed lion cub.

Final score: Chipping Sodbury 2s 5 (5) - 26 (12) Old Bristolians

Tries: G.Morgan x 2, Robbo & Barney

Conversions: Cullen 3/4

BoP: Combined front row, never has a scrum walk so many yards forward, Lucy did us proud.

DotD: Cullen, 3 from 4 from the Tee, one looping/aimless pass between the legs and a kick so well struck, he couldn't help but celebrate himself.

Extra mention goes to Morgan, who after 5 successive scrum victories, asked the pack to work harder. Typical 9!

3rd XV

The 3s, not for the first time this season, were left without an oppo on Friday evening. Broad Plain deciding they'd prefer not to be another metaphorical notch on Captain Gorman's Band of Merry Men's bed post.

However due to some last minute digging an opposition in the way of Trowbridge RFC's 4th team were found/found us. Trowbridge arrived with 11 men and honourably Peaches, Wheeler and Wheeler's mate sacrificed themselves to the oppo to make a 14 vs 14 'The Clash 2.0' a reality.

The warm up was a very joyous occasion with the sun beaming down on the hallow Failand turf. I'm not sure what the backs did, probably running and stuff, but our forward pack went through our normal routine of chat and catch. That was until we were rudely interrupted by 3s mainstay Gio with a straight up gloat of 'At training this week we were doing...' Thankfully wise head Giddings put a stop to any of that silly coaching malarkey and we instead questioned the ref on if we could hold our jumper up in the air from a 5 meter line out and just walk him over the line. We were not allowed. No fun.

The game started thankfully with the usual intensity I've come to expect of the 3s this season with strong D and tireless work off the ball. We soon went three scores ahead, thanks in the most part to Alec's snakey hips, and realised that although the oppo were game we had the skill set to win rather comfortably. There unfortunately came our complacency with sloppy tackling and just trying a bit too hard individually to get over the white wash. Trowbridge unsurprisingly got onto the scoresheet thanks to some hard running from their adopted son Wheeler. This was thankfully the nudge OBs needed and we saw off the 2nd half with the same intensity we started and got a few more scores on the board.

The second half produced more of the same. A Trowbridge player had to leave so we played 20 minutes with 14 men and then offered them another sacrifice, this time in the form of co-captain Brid, for the final 20 minutes.

High/lowlights in no particular order involved:

- Gio going over for his 5th try in the last 4 matches.
- Myself attempting a Fijian esque dive with the ball in one hand, whilst attempting to fend off Peaches only for him selfishly to knock the ball out of my hand and dead.
- Peaches also tormenting Pug in midfield peaking with Pug being held up over the line and fidgeting like a turtle on his back trying to get the ball down.
- Gidding's scoring a brace and equally tormenting Pug with a 'that's how you do it!' quote after each score. Also inexcusably kicking two drop goal conversions to maintain his perceived transition to fly half.

The match ended with arguably the highlight. I saw a little glimmer in Gidding's eyes as he looked to throw in from a line out on our 22. That alongside the shuffling and even broader than normal smile on Pug's face and I knew a Manu style line out call was coming. And to no ones surprise, baring the oppos, Giddings through a pin point perfect line out throw into the 12 channel for Tristan to pluck out of the sky, hit a gap the size of the Grand Canyon and run in for his 3rd try of the match.

Final score: Old Bristolians 3rd XIV 80 - 25 Trowbridge 4th XIV

BOP: Peaches for the oppo due to being the thorn in most of our team's side for the entirety of the match. Our team's BOP could go to a handful of our players with the two Hatrick scorers putting their hands truly up. But in this instance I'll have to go with Giddings, not just for his own scores and that line out but also for unselfishly passing the ball through to assist a couple of other scorers. Surprisingly not succumbing to the white line fever which took a strong grip on his captain!