What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip!
And that is what Stroud received from Old Bristolians on Saturday- just the tip of our iceberg of potential. Having, I feel successfully segued a hilarious one liner with a generic analysis of of the game I’ll continue with what will be a match report reminiscent of yesterday year with little actual match content and much 6am ramble but please note none of the nostalgic quality of Tan/Pool written reports.

Jon Whiteman kindly offered to drive to Stroud for the away day to fourth in the league. He requested in return not the usual of moderate chat and some Haribo but a gift (not stipulating for whom) and a story- my brain immediately shifted from trying to remember our line out calls, which have remained fairly consistent for the past 5 years to any amusing anecdotes I could drag from the collection of smut I had collected over my adult life. Sam Davies and James Marshy were all also collected for the journey and sadly our tepid chat saturated the journey to Stroud meaning there was never any opportunity for the entertaining stories. Undoubtedly they were hilarious unlike the dry and quite revolting banana flapjack that Sam brought as a gift, which would have quite frankly been laughed out of Pudding Club. Luckily Marshy has brought some Co-Op flapjacks with enough moisture to wash the bricks of what tasted like sand down with. The journey to Stroud revealed two drop outs for the game which is always disappointing. Biggo was busy fighting crime in the coastal town of justice- Weston Super Mare whilst VC Jamie Duncan, whose birthday it had been on Friday, had a moment of sobriety Saturday morning and realised he actually had to revise for pressing exams this week and so would not be dragging his ass out of bed for nobody. Especially not Mum or Shane! Anyone who has payed at Stroud will know the best bit of arriving is the warm welcome that you receive from the Club President who personally welcomes you with a handshake. I feel like Rich Berry could learn a lot from that guy although he does become a real piece of work on the sideline so perhaps he knows enough already. JW has brought the sweets and energy (drinks) in Morgs’ absence. It made me think I think- I really take Morgs for granted. He buys sweets and lucozade every week! Then I counted out our squad of seventeen and decided I would hold my thanks for now.

When Shane arrived he immediately accused Greener McNugett McNuggetson of being hungover. Greener gleefully retorted that this was the first weekend this year he wasn’t hungover. I believe he was double bluffing.

Captain Willacy had a fresh trim and he looked just marvellous. He’d arranged for a 14:45 kick off so Paff could arrive and start but this became quite a contentious issue when Stroud decided actually they had no intention of keeping to that agreement. I could see Shane was smoldering which capped was off with Cullen booting a ball at his head and he finally exploded in incandescent rage. Hilarious!

The warm up despite many repeated claims around being too nonchalant was superb as always with limbs and eyes all being suitably warmed. The pregame chat was also really useful with the classic line from Shane of - “they will piss on you and laugh if you give them half a chance.” I can’t speak for the team but I for one, was excited.

Stroud kicked off and I don’t really remember much more in detail. I think they scored a couple of early tries, maybe out wide? But they were a fair bit bigger then us so fair enough! Jack might have kicked some pens or not, I really didn’t pay attention.

Half time - More-Fewer

Hunty scored two tries. He is really good, I’d recommend anyone to watch him if you get an opportunity. Anyway, Stroud scored more than we did making them the winners. Paff played pretty well and the ref looked like he was straight out of Black Mirror. Disconcerting to say the least.

Merken corner was particularly cramped this week and I am delighted to say that Coughlan in particular has been keeping a professional eye on his groin cut and style despite being now a married man. Doug needs to reflect a little bit on what he wants to achieve from the seventies fro but all round some great cuts. It’s now 7:05am, I won’t have time to plan my lessons for today so the children shan’t be learning. Hopefully any one who manages to wrestle through the Tuesdays titbits and gets to this point in the report won’t have learnt anything either expect for, we’ll be bringing the whole iceberg in two weeks time when for once the Mouth comes in/to us.
Old School.

Final Score - 40-20

BOP & Author - Pikey

2nd XV

Having had both home and away fixtures against Barts postponed for various reasons so far this season, the 2s travelled to BS15 with the aim of keeping their 2019 unbeaten record intact. A lacklustre warm up, strong wind and ball-hungry opponents soon put pay to that.

The first 40 minutes were mostly spent pinned back in OBs’ 22 through a combination of poor discipline and the aforementioned wind. Competition at the breakdown was fierce, however when it seemed obvious that it was lost we kept going in with hands rather than fanning out. Perhaps an element of complacency had slipped in as the gain line was also unusually broken in midfield a few times.

Half time - 22-0

The second half showed a few glimmers of sunshine with the wind on our backs as Magnus used his pace to cross the line. However, Barts kept up the pressure and continued to score a few extra tries to grab the BP win.

Final Score - 34-5

BOP goes to Potter. All to play for in the home fixture March 30th.

3rd XV

A mammoth effort and result for the 3s against our good friends at Yate RFC. An unusual scramble for players in the days (and hours) leading up to the game led to OBs starting with the bare 15 including a 66 years young Dave Kay strapping on his boots for a cameo start whilst one of the days ‘extras’ was stuck in traffic.

Bs started well as they have done since the start of 2019 and went over within the first 10 minutes thanks to some strong running by Davey Turner. Then it came to conversion... a brief look around the field from the captain Gorman and there was only one option for the kicking duties on the day. So the ball was given to Giddings looking like a child with his first present on Christmas morning. And he did not disappoint making the conversion with ease! Once the extra man Angus arrived 10 minutes into play he made himself known early and went over just before the half time whistle. Both tries were peppered with penalties on either side as each team took time to adjust to the touring Japanese referee’s style of adjudicating.

Half time - 18-6

The second half was much more of a dogged defensive effort! With the wind and incline against us it took all the 15 men on the pitch could muster to keep a lively Yate team at bay. However as the initial storm after half time was weathered normality ensued and B’s went over twice more with some quick penalties and hard running. Giddings adding 2 of the extras and ‘barely’ missing the conversion from the touch line.

Final Score - 30-6

An all round fantastic effort and well deserved result. Easily mine (and a few others) best team performances we’ve been involved with in an OBs shirt!

BOP: (it's not a cop out) but goes to every player 1-16 as the hard work and dedication put in from the first whistle to the last by everyone could not be questioned! Up to 9. Long live the streak!