Weston Super Mare 3s v Old Bristolians 2s

Quality and control are two words rarely associated with match reports, apart from the odd occasion when Tristan sensors a paragraph about Pikey’s latest exploits with our medical team. This report will contain even less quality than normal as I am writing under duress. We were enjoying a team social beer on the way home from Weston at The Ship in Congresbury, when I naively suggested that such a splendid performance deserved a match report. I then had to endure Hamblett’s smug hilarity as he replied ‘well volunteered.’ It was ridiculous of me to think thank our skipper might pen the report himself as, being against one of the better teams in our league, he hadn’t managed to score himself.

There’s little to report from before the match apart from Whittle’s night in La Rocca until 4am the previous night and being interrupted in his ‘pre match routine’ (yes it is what you think it is) at an in-opportune time that morning.

Suspiciously, top of the table, Weston decided to use their main pitch for this match, which at least allowed our travelling army (Sam and Mad Boy John) the chance to luxuriate in the grand stand. They stuck to the touch line like real men after all. There was also a controversial exchange between the ref and Hamblett, as our captain explained that we didn’t have any subs, whilst our oppo have 5 subs, 2 coaches and were decked out in QPR lookalike training gear. The young ref nodded sagely and said ‘yes, they are a bitter posher than you.’ What a travesty! Hamblett kept this nugget to himself rather than base his whole call to arms on the affront, perhaps worried that we would go out of our way to show how posh we are. There were one or two instances of one in none in as it was.

The game started with what must have been a 10 minute 40 phase passage of play in which the ball got turned over 4 times, with 3 knock ons and numerous infringements. There were also some ferocious hits and when the ref eventually found his whistle, a number of us looked at each other uttering words of encouragement, whilst inwardly thinking, how on earth are we going to last a full game of this? But at least we lasted another 20 minutes like that and scored two great tries in that time. Trez came in on a great I line to score by the posts after Tref and HRD had recovered a loose clearance kick to score in the WSM corner. As a result of this triumph, we were all quite hopeful as WSM rushed another clearance down their channel. Unfortunately this time, instead of running around his opposite man Tref decided to do a look away reverse pop which went straight to him. It was game over, or should have been, as we all watched aghast as the WSM winger charged towards our line. At the last moment and without an OB within 5 yards of him, the Weston sniper struck and for no reason he crumpled on the floor in a heap. He didn’t even try to feign injure as an excuse. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Captain and all round good guy Rob Hamblett had actually tracked back from the halfway line and got almost within touching distance of the WSM winger, causing him to turn and look over his shoulder, which led to him tripping, but it appears this fact is doomed to be lost in the annals).

In hindsight, this let off was a game changer. Although Weston, started playing better, using the wind and slope to their advantage, OBs still turned round just 1 point down and with elements in their favour were favourites to win. So it proved. An early assault on our line was with held and we went on to score a couple of great tries, largely down to newlywed Peaches stealing some crucial lineouts, the scrums gaining the upper hand and Guy running two sumptuous lines first to set up Trez and then to score himself.

WSM, now battling the elements and the clock, started running from everywhere and to their credit, did look dangerous, but also had to substitute a few of their better players to give everyone a game. Benches eh? Over-rated! They did manage one spectacular length of the field effort with 3 minutes to go to bring them to within a point but it wasn’t enough, as we pinned them in their 22 from the kick off and finished with a bang as HRD squeezed into the corner off the final play and Urry converted to deny WSM a losing bonus.

It was one of the sweetest wins the 2s have enjoyed since the halcyon days of competing in the final of the Somerset Vase on the same ground 4 years ago.

The proposed bus tour home was shelved in favour of a team gathering in Congresbury. It was deemed that there would be less faff involved in waking Whittle up once rather than 5 times.

Upon arriving back in Bristol, it was decided we should do something different, so we had a team meeting in Bundy's, moved on to Racks, tested the Brass Pig and ended in a new underground club called La Rocca. For the first time in living memory, Bundy's actually had people in - and they were everywhere. Not only this, but it turned out that they were the University of Cambridge Orchestra and they were on tour! A game of 5s was engineered to allow Seb take his top off with dignity, which was then pointed out to every girl within touching distance. "Well, my boyfriend is a water polo player" was the first (ignorant and irrelevant) response. "How does he get his horse in the pool?" replied Sam Davies. Classic. When I recounted this story to Rupert, he described it as "Water Polo 101" and compared it to walking into a sauna and saying "cor, it's like a sauna in here". It may have been the hangover, but I found it so amusing that I spent most of Sunday trying to work out where I could find sauna in BS2 that wouldn't result in me being arrested.

The rest of the night went uphill in entertainment and downhill in class. Chav and Glover turned up to represent the 3s, Leach represented the 1s and Rupert and Byrne repesented everything that's wrong with society as they had chosen to watch a match instead of playing. The highlight of the evening, besides Water Polo 101 and the 5 rounds of black sambucas, was realising that Joe Collins looks identical to Pirate Steve from Dodgeball. Any reference to him by his actual name from now on will be punished at court.

To end on a semi serious note, this was one of the best performances and definitely the most satisfying win I've been involved in at OBs. The Weston match report described as as the "best side they have played this season", but we can't rest on our laurels if we want any chance of challenging Midsomer Norton and WSM for promotion.

Weston Super Mare 3s 25-33 Old Bristolians 2s

Tries: HRD 2, Trez 2, Guy
Cons: Urry 4

MotM: Hamblett gave this to everyone- except himself- after the game, which seemed a fair call. But having checked Pitchero, it has gone to Joe Collins Pirate Steve, who was solid throughout the match marking the WSM danger man 12.

DotD: Tref managed to narrowly avoid this due to the worst finisher since Devon Loch.

BoH: Again a fairly sizeable list of late cry offs, Whittle for pre match epic lash, HRD for decrying Tim for kick out on the full, when the ball ended up landing 4 yards in play, Peaches for naming his pen1s Ernie (credit his brother’s best man speech for this info), Ref for wonky la di da radar.

Car Park Corner: For the third year in a row, and much to Oli Pool's dismay, I completely forgot to take photos of the car park. I will ensure it is added as an action for 2016.

Dates for the diary: Court = December 12th. Carol Crawl = December 22nd or 23rd, TBC by Gaudion and Whittle.