Old Bristolians 2s v Thornbury 3s – 19 March 2016

Having paid my annual subs I felt it important to get my VFM by playing an actual game for OBs this season. And what better day to choose than this one – all three teams at home on Super Duper Saturday. Everything was set for a fantastic day.

I haven't joined a rugby club since my move to Cornwall. Leaving a rugby club is a bit like leaving one's WAG. You know you'll find another one eventually, but you have to go through a decent period of mourning, for propriety's sake. (Perhaps after playing a few meaningless one-off games for a few other clubs.) However, if you are lucky then you might get the sort of ex-sex day that I had on Saturday – coming back for a sweaty, dirty hat-trick for the 2s. You know that if you got back together it wouldn't be like that every week, you'd end up in the old tedious routine of scoring a try every couple of games and playing less and less [Ed: fewer] as time went on until you stopped playing altogether – but as a one off it can be as good as it ever was.

Anyway, it was a lovely day, if a little on the chilly side, and the 2s' league fixture had been cancelled and swapped for a friendly against lower-league opposition. It had all the makings of a flat track, so local bully Rupert Hyde decided to make an appearance. On seeing him I was pleased to be able to pass on a recent witticism of Laura's when she saw this picture on Facebook:

Laura: “Rupert's face! He looks like a normal person who is looking at himself in a fairground mirror!”

I arrived in the changing room to find consternation at the fact that the 1s' opposition had supplied themselves with two crates of beer which they cleared intended to consumer after the game without paying any form of corkage. We all knew it was wrong and wanted it not to happen, but who was going to go and tell the large men off? Everyone had a reason why someone else should do it, and the buck was on the point of stopping with Hamblett, until he had a bright idea. “I know – we've got a club captain in the car park who's done f*** all all season, he can do it.” He later came back in with a deflated look saying “Berry told them they could do it.” It is hard to imagine anything less likely to placate Rupert, who shot back “So what? He's not your actual Dad is he?”

There are few things more enjoyable in a changing room than hearing someone tell a good anecdote that everyone already knows; although when this happens, there are usually multiple interjections as others provide further details. This happened so much that I suggested we should tell the anecdote in the manner of popular panel game Just A Minute – you get to tell it until you are interrupted with a correct point of information, and whoever is telling the anecdote when it ends wins a point. An OBs changing room is not an OBs changing room without a reference to Radio 4 at some stage.

Hamblett was also dealing with some last minute team-jiggling. “We need someone to play 3s, as they've got a league game. Shall we say that the last one here can play 3s?” he asked. “Yes as long as it's not Yarks,” said AJ. “or Guy Hughes” added Urry. “Or everyone else apart from Colton” said Whittle. Hamblett agreed this settled it. “Shall we wait until he gets here and take a vote?” I suggested - “then we can look him in the eye as we vote for him. It'll be great.” When Colton was given the news Hamblett followed it up with “By the way this doesn't mean you get out of washing the 2s shirts.” However it was all fine in the end – Colton ended up back with us as the 3s rejected him.

Guest referee for the day was Andrew Burt. During the warm up I made the point that we should not give him any gyp, as he has a track record of finding it amusing to card certain OBs, after a now-notorious incident where former club captain Jonathan Lambert was sent off for, as Lambo put it “being alive near a ruck.” “Yeah but that was Lambo, it was understandable,” said Colton, with a frankly astonishing lack of self-awareness.

“Pool's fourth law” is that a player's likelihood of showing up late increases in direct proportion to 1. their age and 2. the likelihood of their being a prop. Yarks had not shown up with 10 minutes to kick off, in compliance with the first limb of Pool's fourth law, so I got my phone out [Ed: of his shorts…on the pitch] and called him. “Why have you got your phone with you?” chuckled Pete Strang. “Well,” I replied, “I need it to take notes for the match report in the unlikely event of any of you guys saying anything funny during the warm up.”

And so it came to pass - we then enjoyed one of those classic last minute pep talks in the huddle where the motivator is picked up for saying something foolish, and as a result everyone goes into the game giggling and unprepared. (My favourite of these remains Burty's “two words lads: personal f**king responsibility” against St Mary's c2010 which of course passed into idiom). On this occasion Hamblett told us that Pete Strang was playing 9 which he doesn't usually do, so we'd need to look out for him. “He told me he has had a couple of real shockers there before,” he said encouragingly “Pete is that because you weren't given protection from the forwards?” “That's rather a leading question” chuckled Tim Thorne and we all began to muse aloud on what other reasons Pete might have had for having that shocker on those particular occasions, which Hamblett tutted. It was great, any pre-match psych-up was immediately dissipated, and we meandered gigglingly away to the kick off.

Then we played the game against a decent and spirited Thornbury side but as you know no proper match report should mention such things as it is boring - especially given what happened on the stroke of full time. I know that although I am deliberately leaving the incident out, some self-aggrandising wannabe-club captain will edit it in, with no respect for my sullen craft and art.

The tunnel was impeccable. The gate was set properly, and every single man filed through properly, in the correct manner. I am probably nit-picking for the sake of something to say here, but I'd like to see people go through tunnels at a slower pace, so that everyone has time for a brief word and a handshake, rather than rushing through headlong as though it is just some sort of formality and not one of the key points of the afternoon. I also do not like the sight of men walking through the tunnel with both arms out wide, impersonally tapping everyone on the hip/stomach, like a small child running a stick along a set of railings. However these are minor quibbles on what was an otherwise top class tunnel so well done all.

We trouped excitedly upstairs to tuck into some food and watch the remaining two thirds of the day's internationals. Notable items of chat included:

- Much enlightened discussion about Marler calling Lee a naughty name in the England v Wales game last week. Yarks thought Marler's comment showed appalling ignorance “After all, if he were a gypsy then he couldn't possibly have been playing for Wales in the first place.” Whiteman agreed - “if he actually is from the travelling community then he'd wouldn't have been in one place long enough to qualify on residency.” So all agreed that Marler's comments were misguided on pedantic grounds alone. However I wondered if they were actually any more racist than Eddie Jones referring to Maro Itoje as a “BMW”. That sort of thing hasn't been OK since the 80s. On the subject of Itoje, we very much enjoyed it when he appeared on the TV doing a languid sex move as part of his warm up, in what can only have been a nod to the OBs 2009 Tourquay tour warm up session. “You know what's happened there,” announced Tim Thorne knowledgeably. “He's said to the others – 'if I can get myself on TV doing a sex move in the warm up, you lot all have to drink.'”
- We realised we needed some entertainment in the hour before the England game, so Foley sorted a whip round for debutant Doug who had to do a shuttle run with drinks at either end of it. Doug was given the choice of an adversary, and walked round the room looking for signs of weakness from his new friends, while small men like me tried to look like we were in the middle of other important business. Spotty failed to puff out his chest enough and was chosen, but excused himself on the basis of driving, so Glover was next up, and was soundly beaten by the new man. Doug's prize for winning was a violently-coloured drink with cream at the top - “but that's for enjoyment, not for downing” Foley told him, reassuringly.
- Tristan was placed on a chair so he could get his tat out for the lads. Placing him on a pedestal triggered some unkind remarks about his new physique which led to a rousing chorus of “Tristan is pregnant” to the tune of O Come All Ye Faithful/Five Minute Warning. We warmed to this theme later when aging French legend Serge Blanco was pictured in the ground at Stade de France, looking much bigger than in his heyday.

- “God he really has let himself go hasn't he” wailed Tim Thorne. “Yeah,” agreed short- armed hooker Jon Whiteman,“he's done a Tristan”
- Other intra-match entertainments included a game of higher/lower with a deck of cards, with penalties for calling it wrongly. “Hang on,” objected Leachy, “what do you get for winning?” “F*** all” replied Hamblett peremptorily. Leachy considered this for a moment before declaring decisively “I'm in!”
- Veteran scrum half Neill Spotswood told us about a recent ski trip he attended along with long-standing club mascot Oliver Ladbrooke. Ladders came down to breakfast one morning in a Cambridge University t-shirt, with a look on his face that suggested he clearly wanted to be asked about it. “You didn't go to Cambridge did you Ladders” someone eventually asked? “No actually,” replied Ladders, looking pleased with himself, “I stole this off a girl I shagged.” “The joke was on him though,” Spotty told Yarks and me. “You could have fitted the three of us in that T shirt.”

Then England won a grand slam, which was great. Really the day could hardly have been any more fun for me. So we found our way to La Rocca, via Brass Pig. I recall being outside Brass Pig with Rupert and Hamblett who were climbing into a taxi. Hamblett looked me in the eye and said darkly “This is not the taxi for you” and I was all too happy to stand aside and let them go off to murder some hookers, or whatever it is they get up to when they are together. I like to imagine it's something like that anyway. So then we went to La Rocca and I can't remember the rest.

Gentleman of the afternoon: not formally awarded, probably because Hamblett thought it should be him and so was waiting for someone else to tell him he was.

Dick of the Day: whoever passed the ball [Ed: Spotty] to whomever it was who dropped a goal at the end.

Book of homme: Hein and Strang for dropping balls over line. Burt for not carding Hamblett before he kicked his drop goal, even though it was obvious what he was about to try and do. Foley for becoming the victim of a text book attack by the Failand sniper, pulling up in agony with 5 yards to go after a 30 yard gallop, Trez for not paying his £2 for the minibus on the basis that “we only picked him up on Longwood Lane”, Rupert for stupid face, Jack Price for fat hands (1).

Final score: 93-21
Tries: Rupert (3), Hamblett (3), Pool (3), Yarker, Watford, Thorne, Hughes, Hein
Conversions: Urry (10)
Dropped goal: Not saying
Dropped tries: Hein, Strang

Lambo's Local Car Park League (2) : not applicable this week due to home games.

Merkin Update Corner with Ali Parry (3): I see the showers have gone to wrack and ruin in the past year, with the result that people stayed in them for longer and I didn't really get to do a proper inspection. However no-one could miss the fact that Colton simply isn't taking pubic tidiness seriously these days and needs to have a word with himself.

Picture of Rupert of the week (4) :

I understand that Rupert is engaged to be married. I am a fan of top hats but I hope that his won't obscure his haircut.

(1) Apologies to anyone who has joined the club since 2010 as this won't make any sense
(2) Apologies to anyone who has joined the club since 2014 as this won't make any sense
(3) Apologies to anyone who has joined the club since 2011 as you won't find this this funny. Indeed many of the club never found this section amusing or even acceptable in the first place.
(4) See note 1 above